Let Campbell Tell His Story
by Primary Deviant
Summary: Events leading up to BSS and after as told through Cam's eyes. When his suicide attempt fails, where will life take him? Life and love make for a bumpy road as he learns about his own illness and how to manage it. Rated M for any mature language or elements that may appear later in the story.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or any of these characters. Dialogue from the show is not mine either, but it is used to canonically advance the story.**

* * *

"I hope you like pain, Rookie."

I could've punched Luke in his face then. The consequences for skipping practice I was prepared for, but Luke didn't have to be an ass about it. He wasn't even captain. As I skated my feet off, I snuck a look at Luke and Dallas. They were smirking, damn near reveling in my pain. That was just fine. They knew I was, and am, twice the player they are. I'm three years younger, too.

"Alright, that's enough for now."

The signal couldn't have come at a better time. My legs buckled and I hit the ice. I stayed there for a few moments to catch my breath, and I heard Luke's and Dallas's laughter as I struggled to get up. That fire starts to flare up, the fire I became nearly incapable of taming. I headed to the locker room to change, and it still danced throughout my body.

"Here, refuel," Dallas said as he threw me a bottle of Gatorade. "Remember that we're the only ones you got here."

I waited until he was gone before I gave in to my oncoming meltdown. The bottle landed across the room. Violently, I threw my clothes into the bag, then my skate went flying. Anything to soothe the anger I could physically feel pumping inside me. Staying seated, I noted that I was feeling calmer by the second. I felt a slight sting coming from my right palm, and I was surprised to see a swelling of blood going across. The skate must have sliced my skin. Not knowing what else to do, I wrapped my hand and cried.

* * *

Surprisingly, Dallas considered my idea about switching to right wing. The payoff was huge. The game was tied with 10 seconds left, and it was all up to me. After the whistle blew, Dallas swung the biscuit to me. 7 seconds. I moved quickly, striking a balance between looking at the clock and looking at the ice ahead of me. 5 seconds. Almost time to make the move. That goalie was not quick enough to stop my shot. 2 seconds. 1 second. I win the game.

My team skated towards me in a frenzy, even Luke, who was pissed about switching to left wing. Their deafening cheers were what I had been needing to hear at that time. My right wing plan worked out perfectly, and I was a hero and winner once again.

Back in the locker room, Dallas told me he had something to show me. He led me to the ice entrance. I began to sweat a little.

"Soon, everyone is going to want a piece of Campbell Saunders," he sad as he threw the door open. I'm instantly blinded by flashing cameras.

"Cam! Campbell! Saunders! How do you feel about finally shaking off your slump?"

I stood transfixed. My inner-monologue couldn't even work up an answer.

"What were you thinking as you scored the winning goal?"

Tears started to form in my eyes as my heartbeat quickened.

"Um, Rookie has a little big of stage fright," Dallas interjected. "I'll handle al questions from here."

I bolted from the area, with no time to thank Dallas for bailing me out. That fire came back. What could possibly be so great about a junior hockey team? What was so great about _me?_ I hated being a prodigy. I hated hockey and the pressure it brought with it. I hated the attention.

Once again, I trashed the locker room. Remembering what it felt like after accidentally cutting my palm, I picked up the skate and pressed it right on the healing wound. _You'll feel better, calmer. Trust me._ But I didn't trust it. Nothing done out of a complete lack of control can be trusted. At that moment, I was scared of myself.

I lowered the skate and sobbed once more.

* * *

Maya's texts and voicemails littered my phone. It's not as if I didn't want to talk to her, but I was packing. Toronto, and Degrassi, was a mistake I knew better than to make. I was worried that my dad would throw a fit, even ignore me for a while, but compared to the pressure on the ice and from the press, it was something I could handle.

The door creaked open, and Maya herself came into my room. I'm surprised, but also glad, to see her. Seeing her always had the power to make my day. However, I knew I had to keep a distance to ease the parting blow. I guess it's too bad that it didn't quite work out that way.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, caught in the act.

"I told your billet dad I was giving you your missed homework." She looked past me, to my half-packed suitcase. "What is this?"

What else could I tell her?

"I'm ready to go home, Maya. I've had a bad couple of days and I just wanna go home."

The worry and hurt on her face pained me. I didn't want to hurt her by leaving-we had just gotten together-but I felt that staying would have been detrimental to her as well as myself. I had to convince her that she was better off with me gone.

"Okay, well, can we just…just talk about this for a minute, Cam?"

She sounded devastated, and I wasn't prepared for that. I wanted to avoid any kind of argument. I wanted to leave in peace. Obviously, Maya wasn't going to let me do either of these things.

"Sure, okay," I said, defeated.

"What's bothering you?"

Sighing, I launched into an explanation about the pressure I was under with hockey, and about how my teammates only liked me when I was a winner. Of course, this didn't skim the surface of my problems, but I wasn't ready to unload my baggage onto her. I didn't know if I ever would. She crossed her arms, and I could tell she thought I was overreacting. It bothered me. And then it came.

"Well, don't you think you're-"

"You think I want to feel this way? I'm all out of ideas, Maya!" My exasperation made its way to the surface. She _needed_ to understand, even if she didn't have the whole story. It's like my head isn't screwed on right."

She stared at me for a few moments, as if she was trying to find a comforting word. When it failed to come, she put her arm around me instead and laid her head on my shoulder.

"I just don't want you to quit over a couple of bad days. You may regret it when you're back home."

She still didn't get it. I didn't want them to, but a few tears showed up anyway.

"I just want to be happy, Maya," I whispered.

She straightened up, suddenly, with a little bounce.

"You know what I think you need? A break. Hockey is too much for you right now. You don't have time for much else. You can take a break, and hang out with me and your friends more. No pressure."

Man, Maya's heart was definitely in the right place. But there are no breaks in this league, not even for the bench players. For the child prodigy? Your break is the gulp of water between practices. But as I looked into her eyes, I knew I couldn't lie to her. There was concern and hope there. I decided to stay for her.

"I'll see what I can do."

She threw her arms around me, smiling. In that moment I softened, knowing that we both felt better. I already knew something drastic would have to be done to get that break. But as I thought of our time at Little Miss Steaks, and how comfortable I was with her and her friends, I knew it would be worth it.

* * *

**A/N: This is my attempt at writing a Cam fan-fiction, obviously. I have lots of this written and I'm just now getting this up on the site. It's my first story ever, and I'm proud that I'm going through with this idea. It's mostly canon up until the events of BSS. Then I turn it into my own take. Please review and leave me constructive criticism, I want to become a better writer! **


	2. Chapter 2

When roaming the halls, the space between the balcony ledge and the floor looked shorter. But then, I was looking down, the rail clamped in my sweaty hands. I mulled it over. I rocked. All I had to do was let go. My big break. But what if I landed too hard? Really messed something up? _Oh hell, maybe it'll be worth it anyway_, I thought. I slid slowly, but I saw another student walking across the lobby. Damn it, I was about to let go. I breathed in and out. I couldn't help but notice how ragged my breathing was. I had to do it. Thoughts of Maya filled my mind.

I hit the floor hard. Something snapped.

* * *

"Rookie here is out 6 weeks. I have some real idiots on my team. Playing on the rail. Seriously?"

Dallas was telling Maya what happened. Or what I had told him. She wasn't going to hear differently from me. Dallas left me to Maya's mercy, and her expression went from concern to anger almost instantly.

"What the hell, Cam? This is not the kind of break I was talking about."

I knew I was backed into a corner, and the only thing I could do was to assure her it was an accident, and then immediately focus on the positives.

"It was an accident. Promise. I'm not really that graceful." Throwing my best smile at her, I continued. "Plus, now I get to hang out with you and the guys more."

"But will you be happy? Like really happy? What about when your arm heals? You'll have to play again. I can't believe you did this."

She amazed me with her caring and her ability to stand her ground. But I can stand mine as well.

"Look, Maya, I'm not some loser who tries to hurt himself. And I'm happy with you."

She nodded her head, but I can tell it's more from resignation. The storm blew over, but I knew it was going to be exceedingly difficult from that moment on. She would keep a watchful eye on me, doubt any story. I was going to have to keep up the happy guise.

* * *

Maya didn't understand how enveloped I was in my math homework. She's playing her acoustic, and I really needed to focus on my algebra. I was damn near failing it, along with French and chemistry. Now I was being tripped up by a single problem.

Maya finished her song. "Did you like it?" she asked, sounding bubbly.

"I just don't get this. I keep getting 96, but the book says the answer is 300."

"Seems like you need a break."

"I wish. I have a lot of homework due. And I need to get this problem right."

She was unfazed.

"Did you know that we've been together for over a month, and we've only kissed 6 times?"

I leaned in and kissed her. I thought that's what she wanted.

"Seven."

When I went back to my homework, she got upset.

"That's it?"

"Look, I'm sorry," I started, taking her hint. "It's just that…between my arm and schoolwork, it's hard for me to get in the mood."

That wasn't necessarily the case. It played a part in it, sure, but it wasn't the whole picture. I was nervous around her. Maya was my first girlfriend, and I was completely clueless about the mechanisms of dating. It was just easier to blame it on something else.

I continued to try to figure out the mysterious 300 answer. Then I heard Maya say "what about now?"

I looked back at her, and my stomach jumped into my throat in panic. Her shirt was off, revealing a blue sports bra. My palms had started to sweat, and I nervously jerk my head around, trying to spot her shirt.

"What are you doing? What if my billet mom walks in?"

"Okay, I'll put it back on," Maya said with an eye roll.

Not really knowing what to do, I just stared at my textbook. I could see her leaning over out of the corner of my eye, and then I heard a yelp. I jumped up quickly, knocking my book and notes to the floor. By that point, I was incredibly frustrated.

"Are you okay?" I asked, sounding more annoyed than I meant to.

"I'm fine," she said while putting her shirt back on. "I'll just go."

I let her leave without saying a word. Maybe inaction was the wrong course to take. But I wouldn't have known what to say. Especially at such an awkward moment. The situation kept bothering me, though, and I couldn't stay focused on my algebra. I felt that fire rise inside me again. Trying to breathe, I let out slow breaths to calm myself down. What happened next was a semi-victory. I picked up my algebra book, and my first thought was to throw it against the wall. Instead, I swung it over my head and slammed it as hard as I could on my bed. I called this a semi-victory because if I had thrown it against the wall, my billet parents would have barged in, asking questions, worried about me. I learned later that this should have been considered a victory because I didn't act on my first impulse. Baby steps, right?

* * *

**A/N: Just stick with the story and things will pick up soon! I wanted to build up a bit to the suicide attempt and then really grab from there. Please read and review if you feel so inclined!**


	3. Chapter 3

The next day, I was hoping to see Maya and set things straight. She got to me first, although setting things straight wasn't exactly on her mind.

I was digging through my locker when I heard her voice. I looked up, and my first thought was to laugh. So I did.

"What is this?" I said through my chuckles.

She was entirely made up, dress in clothes I had never seen her wear before. Her hair was done up like she was some kind of star. She was unrecognizable.

"You don't like it?" Her face fell instantly.

"What? It's not that, it's just that…why do you look like this?"

"Well, I was thinking about entering that beauty pageant with Tori."

I honestly thought it was a joke.

"But that's not your thing."

"You don't think I'm pretty enough."

It wasn't a question, but a statement. I thought Maya was going overboard with this. I didn't understand why she got so bent out of shape. At that point, I didn't know whether to laugh or be worried about her. Trust me when I say that if I knew better, I would have acted differently towards her then. That saying says "hindsight is 20/20," and it's true. When you're in that moment, you're at a loss. So instead of eloquently telling her otherwise, I fumbled my words while keeping a half-smile on me.

"No, it's not…it's just…you're not a pageant girl."

"Forget it," she said, storming off.

Maybe I should have followed her, but I didn't have a tight grasp on what had happened. Maya left me confused and a little stunned that she thought I didn't think she was pretty. I wasn't laughing at her because she was dolled up. I laughed because I knew it wasn't her and it seemed silly that she would do it.

If I was stunned at the lockers that day, it was nothing compared to what the evening would do to me. Maya called me-she went through with the pageant business-and I tried to apologize, but she wouldn't let me get a word out. Then I heard her say "break." I stopped trying to plead my case.

"Wh-what?" I choked out.

"Actually, I think we should break up. Yeah, it's over. Bye."

Just like that. Tears immediately formed. I held the phone in my hand for a few moments as the tears flowed down. Then I lost the hold I always tried to keep on myself and threw my phone as hard as I could against the wall. I watched the case shatter and laid back on my bed, angry and confused. I stared at the ceiling and cried, waiting for one of my billet parents to come in. I figured they would ask me what happened. They never came.

I laid there for a while, calming down. I got up to grab my phone. Luckily, it was only the case that broke. I texted my mom to see if she was busy. She texted me back immediately, asking me if I wanted to Skype. Definitely.

"Hey, Mom," I said as her face popped up. "I'm not doing too well."

"What's wrong, honey? Did you re-injure your arm?"

She looked happy to see me, but she also had that motherly look of concern. I tried my best to stay in touch with her during my time in Toronto, but she will still say I didn't talk to her enough, as if she didn't know how busy I was.

"No, my arm is fine. You remember Maya, right?"

"Of course. She's your girlfriend."

"Well, she's not really anymore."

"What happened? You're crazy about her. You talk abo0ut her every time we Skype."

"I am crazy about her, Mom." Tears were starting to form again. "But I don't know. I guess I'm doing something wrong. Just too awkward or something."

She smiled.

"Of course you're awkward. She's your first girlfriend. Honestly, I'm a bit surprised you have one, with hockey and all. You're always so busy."

"Remember: had. Had a girlfriend. I just wanna talk to her, but I don't know what to say. She's at this Miss Millennial pageant with her friend. I guess I should be there with her. I was just so surprised that she wanted to do it that I laughed. She took it the wrong way."

"Yeah, Cam, girls can be drama queens," Mom said through laughs. "But at your age, they usually have pretty short memories. You guys do too. It can work in your favor sometimes. Just talk to her. Reassure her you think she's pretty. You'll be back together just like that, I promise."

Mom had to go, but I felt so much better after talking to her. I slept easily after our conversation. I was going to get up and do exactly what Mom said. Just talk to Maya. Reassure her.

* * *

My confidence was shattered the next morning. I met up with her at her locker, but she didn't look happy to see me. The assuredness I walked up to her with slowly disappeared. I had a nice speech in my head, but it left.

"Look, I know I messed up." I didn't mean for my voice to sound panicky, but it did.

"It's fine." She started moving and I kept walking beside her.

"No, it's not. Just give me another chance. You still like me, don't you?"

She kept walking. She wasn't even looking at me. "Liking you was never the problem."

"Okay, then what is it?"

She hurled around. "You don't like me!"

Now I was more confused than ever.

"Maya, that's crazy."

"Is it? Zig tells Tori she's pretty like a million times a day and you've never even told me once."

"I didn't know I had to."

"You don't have to," she said through clenched teeth. What the hell?

"Then I'm sorry I'm not smooth like Zig. But I absolutely think you're pretty."

I thought that would do it. I was wrong.

"Then why don't you ever want to kiss me?" This time, she sounded more sad than angry. It upset me, but I ran out of ideas. I signed in defeat, then told her I would try harder.

"You shouldn't have to try. My sister's waiting for me."

Once again, I watched her leave. I tried. There was nothing left to do. Tears started to form again, so I headed to the bathroom so no one would see me cry. It was embarrassing, really, to be the star hockey player with a waterworks problem. I couldn't stop it, though. At that point, everything sucked. I cried because I was stressed, and I became even more stressed because I cried. Maya became the syrup on top of my shitstorm of problems.

* * *

I won't deny that I was moping around later that night. We had a game, and we won, but it did nothing to cheer me up. Instead of celebrating, I took reign of the living room TV while the Clarksons were out. Of course there was nothing on, but I mindlessly flipped through the channels, Maya never leaving my mind. I had it on a stupid show on the History Channel when I heard a knock at the door. My heart beat faster at the possibility that it was Maya herself at my door. I hoped to God it was Maya.

It was. My happiness subsided, however, when I noticed she was crying. Before I said anything, she opened up.

"You were right. Pageants are stupid."

I invited her in, and she told me everything. Or I thought she told me everything. She left out a minor detail, but we'll get there later.

"And then tori gets up there and makes this little speech about not being a good friend and how she's the one with the good friends who will forgive her. And I've had all this ill will towards her since this stupid thing started, so I felt terrible. I got up there and said I was a huge bitch."

It felt good to have her back in my (billet) house, next to me on the couch. I would have said anything at that moment to make her happy. To make her get back with me.

"You're not a bitch, Maya. You just got caught up in the moment. Besides"-I took her hand- "she kept saying you weren't pretty enough. And you're more than pretty enough. You're beautiful."

I guess those were the magic words. She leaned in and kissed me.

"Thanks, Campbell."

I beamed. So did she, and it was one of the best feelings I've ever had. When I walked her home, it felt like everything was perfect. Right then, I guess it was.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who's given this a look so far! More to come, and I promise it'll get to my own twist on Campbell's story soon. Please continue to read and if you feel like it, leave a review!**


	4. Chapter 4

Don't get me wrong, the next week was great. I had been in tutoring with a junior named Alli Bhandari, and my chemistry grade was going up. Me and Maya were closer than ever. My arm was healed. I didn't have any episodes where I felt out of control.

The avalanche started rolling when Tori cam running for Maya one morning. I had just told Maya she was beautiful in French. We were supposed to be studying, but we stopped for a moment. Then we were interrupted.

"Oh! Uh, I'm sorry, sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt."

I wasn't too flustered about Tori barging into the classroom. She was also in our French class, and she and Maya had worked out their issue. But, I wasn't prepared for what she had to say, and what it ultimately meant.

"Oh no, you're not interrupting," Maya said. "We were just going over our tenses for the oral exam. Come sit."

"Yeah, let's see if you're as bad as I am," I added, grabbing the textbook. "Alright…"

I started reading in French, but Tori wasn't interested.

"I feel like Zig is pulling away from me. Like I'm losing him."

"Pfft, that wasn't French," I said, trying to be silly.

Maya shushed me, albeit a bit teasingly.

"Uh, what makes you say that?"

"He's acting weird. It might be another girl."

Tori looked hurt. Really hurt.

"Don't be silly," Maya retorted, almost immediately. "Has he mentioned anyone?"

"No, but…when we're together, his head is somewhere else."

"You know, he probably just has a lot going on. Exams, Battle of the Bands, and all."

"So I'm just overreacting?"

"You're overreacting," Maya assured her.

I should've known then that something was up. Maya was way too jumpy at Tori's questions. She almost seemed distraught. Maybe if I asked her if something happened, many things could have been different. I spend many nights thinking about alternate scenarios that could've happened. Maya even told me about her initial crush on Zig when they first met, and the fight she had with Tori over him. How it led to them being best friends. I could've heeded the signs, but I didn't.

* * *

Later, me and Tori were at Maya's house, studying for French again. Tori was still complaining about Zig, and surprise, Zig ends up at the house with us. Tori was caught off-guard, and Maya seemed so as well, but for an entirely different reason.

"Zig! Uh, I told him you were here, so he came over," Maya said to Tori. "Right?"

The way Maya sounded, it seemed as if she was giving him a prompt to follow. But instead of paying attention to them, I perused the bag Zig brought.

"Dude, you only brought two bags of chips? Don't your parents own the convenience store?"

"Yeah, yeah they do," Zig answered distractedly. "I wasn't thinking."

All the signs were there. Zig was acting funny. Maya was too. Maya had to talk to Zig about the band. In private. I should've known something, well before it all came out. I didn't ask her that day if anything was up, but I really should've. Instead, Maya would come to me first.

* * *

The next day, after French class, I gave her this charm, one I meant to replace every time she played a show. I had told my mom that Maya wanted me to be more vocal, but it was a difficult request for me to fulfill. She suggested the charm, because then I'd be saying something with a gift. Maya would understand that it meant "I love you."

I help up the long, thin red box. With a tone of surprise, Maya asked what it was.

"I am terrible at telling you things, but I like you. A lot. This charm is for your concert tonight. Every time you play a show, I'll get you a new one."

Even though she told me she loved it, I could see a bit of reserve on her face. She took the box as if there might be a bomb inside. I told her it was Mom's idea, but Maya still looked uncomfortable.

"I have to be honest with you," she said.

I tensed up, because at the time I had no idea where this conversation was going to go. Of course it was naïve, but I didn't want to think about her being with someone else. I thought she was perfect.

"When we were broken up, I kissed Zig."

Her words hit me hard, right in the gut. It felt like there were clouds circling my around my head, and when the rain started pouring, my mind couldn't see any light at all. That's when I knew I completely missed the Zig signs. I realized how weird they were acting together, and Tori saying she was losing him. It all made sense. Fucking Zig.

"Please say something."

Saying something? Really? Maybe she wanted me to say it was okay. Better Zig than some other guy, right? My heart wasn't broken, just punched. Nothing she couldn't patch up without saying sorry. The absurdity made me laugh.

"Sucks," I said, shrugging. As an afterthought, I added, "Good luck with your show."

This time I walked away. It didn't feel any better than the times Maya turned her back on me. I'm glad she didn't chase me. I had started to shake, and by the time I hit the doorway I was crying. She couldn't see me like that again.

* * *

The rest of the school day was awful. I kept hearing "I kissed Zig" in my head. It played over and over again, like a broken record hell-bent on mocking me. Feelings of inadequacy kept creeping up on me. She was only broken up with me for a day, and she was already getting close with Zig? I also thought about Tori, and how she was so scared that there was another girl. And that other girl was _Maya._ Even though Tori was jealous of Maya during the pageant, she was a nice girl. Neither of us deserved it.

However, the more I thought about it, the more excuses I made for Maya. The angrier I got at Zig. If Tori had felt like she was losing Zig, but Maya was still with me, it couldn't have been Maya's fault. Zig probably took advantage of her, a girl who felt unwanted by her boyfriend. Besides, if she wanted to be with Zig, she would have stayed broken up with me, right?

It's amazing how fast I convinced myself that Maya deserved none of the blame. In reality, I just wanted her back. There were parts of me that thought I couldn't face the world without her, the one person who looked past the hockey glamour. Lots to put on someone, I know.

I decided to show up at the Battle of the Bands. I knew I could get her back. She was up there having a blast with her bandmates in Whisperhug, who unfortunately included Zig. At first, I felt a fiery pang of jealousy, even though I was aware that they played together. But seeing her up there, in her element, beaming brightly, it made me soften up. I caught her eye. I know I saw it-she smiled even wider.

After her show, I went back to her dressing room.

"Third place, huh? Congrats."

She took the charm off that I had given her.

"You probably want this back."

I took her hand. Time to tell her it wasn't her fault.

"When we broke up, you were confused. Then you came back to me. Are you still confused?"

"No, I want you. I've always wanted you," she said with excitement.

She kissed me. I couldn't have been happier. We had our problems but it seemed like we always got through them. I would make sure we did.

"Good," I told her. "Cause I'm not gonna let you get away that easily."

I meant that too, with everything I had.

* * *

Katie drove us back to their house, and I got a chance to talk to Maya more. Letting her go wasn't an option after getting her back the second time.

"So do I have to worry about Zig anymore?" I asked while we laid on her couch.

"Of course you don't, Campbell."

I squeezed her tighter. "That's good, cause I don't wanna have to kick his ass with my hockey stick."

Her laughter sounded so good.

"Trust me, you won't to kick anyone's ass. Except mine, if you want, for making that mistake in the first place."

Her joke made me pause. I could be prone to violence, and she made me consider, although unwittingly, any likelihood that I could hurt her. I know now, and was beginning to know then, that anger was an insane force. In its grip, the person who you cared about the most could become your biggest tormentor, meant to be destroyed. This, though, I had to shave out of my mind while laying there with her.

"Cam? You okay?"

I came back from my thoughts, realizing I had staring at her for a few moments.

"Maya, like I said before, I can be terrible at telling you things. But I'll never hurt you. I promise you that."

We started to kiss, but it didn't last long. Katie came in, informing us that it was time for me to go. Maya walked me to the door.

"So are you staying here for the holidays, or going back to Kapuskasing?"

"Well, we had the option to stay here for the first week or go home. My billet parents said it was okay to stay here, and so did my mom."

She threw her arms around me in excitement. "We get a week together with no school and no hockey! That's so awesome."

"Yep. And I play to spend most of my time with you."

She kissed me again, and we heard Katie's voice yelling that I had to go _now_. Maya told me bye, but before I got three spaces from her house, she yelled out for me.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

Smiling from ear to ear, I waved her goodbye and continued my way home. The light from my face could have easily lit up the night. For a time, I thought I made a mistake by not saying that I loved her back, but since I didn't get an upset text I figured she understood that I really did struggle with my words. It left my mind as I entered my temporary house. When I laid down on my bed, I was as happy as could be.

* * *

**A/N: I decided to move the time of these events to be before Christmas break. My research on the junior hockey leagues said that they do begin play before Christmas. It just makes it easier for the rest of the story's events to take place if there is a whole semester of school after the events of BSS. Also, thanks to those who are following the story and to those who have at least looked! It means a lot, it really does! I hope you keep checking for updates!**


	5. Chapter 5

The last week before the holidays went by drama-free. Me and Maya spent a large amount of time in the greenhouse, where many of our good times took place. We had fun providing footage for the video yearbook the school would put together towards the end of the year. Alli was still tutoring me in chemistry, and I managed to snag a B- on the final. I passed all my other exams as well, some more so than others. I had a break from hockey, and I felt great about myself and my relationship with Maya during that two-week stretch before and after finals.

Unfortunately, happiness isn't, and never will be, a permanent mindset. Normally, I managed to keep a smile on my face when Dallas wasn't stressing me out, me and Maya were fine, and I wasn't in over my head with schoolwork. The holidays shouldn't have been too bad. It seems, though, like something will always screw up.

All of us hockey players had to be in Toronto during the 2nd week of break, after Christmas. Practice would resume, and it was to be as rigorous as ever. Coach didn't lie about that. Luckily, I performed well in practice, so the team itself wasn't a big problem. But I missed the time I got to spend with Maya. I was Skyping with Mom one night about just that, when my father walks in and hears me saying that I wished I got to spend more time with my girlfriend.

"Let me talk to Cam for a second, honey," he told her. I tried to mentally prepare myself for his lecture.

"Hey, Cam! How you doing?"

"I'm fine, Dad. You?"

My voice sounded somewhere between lifeless and mildly annoyed.

"Just missing you, son. You know you could've came back for some of the break, right? All of us missed you here."

I could feel the moisture on my palms, something I was getting used to. That was not the conversation I wanted to have. Treading lightly, I answered a bit timidly.

"I miss you guys too. It's not that I didn't wanna come home…just that I wanted to spend more time with Maya, you know?"

He gave a small, sarcastic snort, one that filled me with dread as equally as it did anger.

"Well that's what I wanna talk to you about. You're not letting her get in the way of hockey, are you?"

"No, I'm not-"

"Cause your mom tells me you spend a lot of time with her, and don't get me wrong I'm glad you got a girlfriend, but remember the NHL is your number one priority."

His insensitivity was nothing new. Neither was his tone of just _knowing _that what I was doing wasn't a good idea. Having a girlfriend, having a _life. _Anytime he thought I was straying from my (his) goal, he would feign some kind of ignorance of my life outside of hockey, and phrase his questions to sound threatening. _Play hockey or else_. But that was hidden. He would never say that, of course, but it was laced in our conversations. He would get close enough to admitting that he wouldn't love me unless I made it to the big leagues, but he would never actually cross that line. It was implied.

"You don't have to worry, Dad, I-"

"I know I don't have to worry. Cause I know your head is in the right place, just get your heart there too, okay son? I'm gonna get your mom back on, she wants to say bye. Love you, Cam."

I was more than annoyed and upset. What the worst thing about it all was that he wouldn't even give me a chance to speak. Wouldn't let me say anything that wasn't too his liking. It stressed me out how much he just didn't listen.

"Hey, Cam, I'm back," said Mom as she sat back down.

"Why didn't you stay in the room?"

"I'm sorry, kiddo, your brother needed me. Did he give you a hard time?"

"Doesn't he always? He thinks Maya is distracting me. I can only focus on hockey, remember?"

My voice was trembling. My mom gave me that look that said I just didn't understand my father and his intentions.

"He just wants what's best for you, Campbell," she said, signaling to me that no discussion would be taking place.

I felt that burning sensation rising again. Yelling at my mom was a definite no, only less so than at my father. For different reasons though. Lashing at my mom was a betrayal of the person who gave me birth. A betrayal of one of the few people who will listen to me on most occasions. Lashing out at my dad left me crying in defeat. Since I don't raise my voice at either of them, I stared at my mom and swallowed my words.

"Well I gotta go Mom. I love you."

As soon as my laptop was shut, I started punching one of my pillows. My father knew exactly what to say. Any sign of weakness, and he would pounce. My mom always stood up for the both of us, but it ended up making me or my father angry that we weren't getting her entire support. Her excuses for his constant pressure were lame at best. Most conversations left me vulnerable, crying, and filled with self-doubt. I went to sleep that night with watery eyes.

* * *

Fortunately, the rest of the break went by without another talk with Dad. Unfortunately, the very first day back gave my life a turn for the worst. I look back on that day specifically as one of the worst I've ever experienced. Obviously, I've had terrible days before and since, but none where every person seemingly had something to say to me, something to blame me for.

Admittedly, I was excited when the day began. Degrassi decided to have a "Spirit Week" to welcome us back. We were supposed to play each other in various events, and the first would be a game of floor hockey, since the Ice Hound games were so popular. I was happy to get a chance to play at a less competitive level, but I wasn't prepared to be on a different team than Maya, and I sure as hell wasn't prepared for her to be on the same team as Zig. This guy knew how to show up at the worst possible times.

It took place during the last period of the day. Most of the school was in the gym, and the game was about to begin. By some stroke of weird fate, my team was to play Maya's first. I did my best not to worry about Zig, but then I saw him tying one of the bandanas the school gave us around Maya's head. Seems innocent enough, but we was so touchy, so close to her. They were laughing, she was laughing…smiling, enjoying her time with the guy who almost came between us. Who _tried _to come between us. My knuckles turned white on my hockey stick. Seeing him attempting to put moves on my girl in person through me into overdrive. I felt that fire again, but this time there was no putting it out. It roared.

We were set to start, and as soon as the whistle blew I ran towards Zig and swung my elbow towards his eye. I clocked him so hard he fell over.

"What the hell, man?" Zig shouted, his hand over his eye.

I realize I was out of control, but my jealousy blinded me. Throwing myself at Zig, I threw a couple more punches before two sets of hands pulled me off. I struggled against them, until I was turned around to face Dallas, who looked livid.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Saunders?"

Noticing a horrified Maya next to us, and Mr. Simpson making his way through the crowd, I tried to calm down. Seeing Zig's angry face just made it worse. I wanted to bust it more, wipe any thought of Maya right out of his mind. I was about to lunge at him again, but Mr. Simpson caught up to us.

"You, you, you, and you," he said, pointing and totally pissed, "in my office. Now."

When we got there, Simpson didn't waste any time.

"I want to know what happened, and I want to know now. Who started this?"

"Sir, it was an accident," Dallas chimed in. "Rook here is used to more competitive play, and he got carried away."

"I know you wanna stick up for him, Dallas, but I need to hear this from Cam. Is that what happened?"

Still angry, I knew I needed to cover for myself. I started nodding my head.

"It was an accident."

"An accident? Your elbow to my face was an _accident?_" Zig interjected.

"Yeah, it happens sometimes in hockey!" I spat back at him.

"Enough!" Simpson snapped. He looked at Maya. "Did you see what happened?"

Maya didn't look too thrilled to be the fourth side to the story. She looked at me, at Zig, then back at me. Then her eyes dropped to the floor.

"Cam started it," she mumbled, barely audible. "He just hit Zig."

My heart sank. I couldn't believe she sold me out like that. And to Zig, of all people.

"All right. Guys, stuff like this is completely ridiculous. I don't know what the problem is, Cam, but I'm suspending you for three days and I'm ordering you to see our counselor the day you come back, understand? And you better keep that appointment."

He dismissed us, and we filed out of his office, me needing to stop Maya. I was hurt. So hurt.

"Why'd you say that, Maya?" My voice was shaky. "And why were you talking to him?"

She looked around, avoiding my eyes.

"I told you, Cam," she said, shaking her head. "You don't have anything to worry about." After pausing briefly, she continued. "You went crazy."

She turned to walk away, but not before finally looking me in my eye. "We'll talk later."

Watching her leave was really getting old. I wanted to cry so badly, and I struggled to keep the tears away. With nothing left to do, I made my way to my locker to grab my stuff. To make things worse, Dallas was waiting there. Suddenly, I felt myself tense up. His arms were folded and his brows furrowed.

"Do you realize that you're putting the team in jeopardy? You're gonna get suspended from the team and if something happens again, you could get kicked off? We might as well hang it up!"

He was inches away from my face, seething. At that point, the last thing on my mind was the team. Dallas's anger reminded me that I had that responsibility. I didn't want to care.

"Would that be so bad?" I responded, slowly and shyly. "I would have more time to spend with Maya."

His laughter dripped with sarcasm. Then he stopped.

"Why are you being so selfish?" His teeth were clenched. "A lot is riding on you. You're the star of the team and you already have a guaranteed draft stock. People watch us because of you, and we're trying to get drafted also."

Tears started to well up. Maybe I was being selfish, but I look back and I realize how unhappy I was. The team did depend on me, to the point where the pressure would could crack me. Would crack me. What I didn't need was Dallas telling me what a selfish basket case I was. But he was right, essentially, or at least at that moment I thought he was. But I didn't say anything. So he started again.

"Get your head on straight, man. And stop crying where people can see you! It's embarrassing."

He punched the locker next to my face and left. Basically shaking, I threw the rest of my stuff in my bag and headed to the nearest classroom to have a fit alone and out of eyesight. I slammed the door behind me and threw my bag down. I nearly flipped a desk over before I slumped down under the chalkboard. Then I heard a voice.

"Aaaare you okay?"

I recognized it.

"Sorry, I didn't realize anyone was in here."

"That's okay," Alli said. "I'm in here waiting for the guy I'm tutoring. You wanna talk? I have time. If you don't that's totally cool."

"No, it's fine. I just got into a fight with a freshman guy who's been trying to get with Maya. Now I'm suspended for a few days. I just can't do anything right today. It's been bad."

Saying it out loud made the situation much more real. I felt crushed and hopeless. I was prepared for Alli to add to the assault against me, but luckily that assault never came.

"Well everyone has bad days."

"Yeah, but it seems like all my days are bad. I'm tired," I said with a sigh. "I just wish I could go to sleep and never wake up."

"That's a little extreme, don't you think?"

It didn't seem like it. Not at all. But I couldn't let her know that.

"Maybe. I don't know. There's just so much pressure on me. And Dallas told me I was being selfish and I was embarrassing the team."

"Oh did he?" Alli seemed almost angry at this. "Well that says a lot about Dallas, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, I guess it does. And Maya…I may have ruined things for good this time. I don't even know how I can make it better."

"No, no you can't let things be over." Her voice took on a hopeful tone. "You just need to make it up to her! Buy her flowers. Tell her you're sorry. She'll forget all about it."

I laughed. "You sound like my mom."

Alli kept a straight face. "I don't know how to take that."

"Don't worry. It's not a bad thing."

She smiled at me.

"You go ahead and get those flowers. And don't worry about Dallas. I have some words for him."

I thanked her for listening to me, and left the school. Thinking that it would be best to ask the Clarkson's for permission since they were most likely called about my suspension, I headed to the billet home before the flower shop. Even though I was extremely homesick, the upside to the Clarkson's was that they didn't feel they had the authority to punish me. One of the few upsides to being a hockey star is raving fanatics, a group that Mr. Clarkson belongs to.

After telling them that it actually was an accident, I had their full blessing to visit Maya. I bought the biggest bouquet of flowers my wallet could afford, and hoping furiously that it would be enough, I skipped off to make things right with Maya.

Katie answered the door, and I don't doubt that she was angry with me. She sure sounded like it. They may have argued and annoyed each other, but Katie was always protective of Maya.

"Maya!" she shouted. "A bouquet of legs got sent here for you!"

Maya came through the kitchen, looking puzzled.

"It's me," I said, stepping out from behind the flowers. I handed them to her. "Can we have that talk now? Please?"

Maya stared, and Katie asked if she was all right. She nodded, and motioned for me to follow her. At the time I didn't understand the look of pity in her eyes. We went to the couch that was perched alone in the living room since her parents were out of town, and Katie's watchful eye never closed.

Maya sighed. "So, what happened, Cam?"

At first, I struggled with what to say. I thought the truth, the fact that I couldn't stand to see her with Zig, might backfire on me. Make me seem violently jealous. But then I thought that Maya knew it wasn't an accident since she saw it all. I already lied to her once about jumping off the balcony, and I decided not to test my luck. I also figured I probably shouldn't lie to her anyway, on principle.

"I just saw Zig with you, a-and it seemed like he was flirting, and I'm tired of him trying to break us up, Maya. I just got so mad at him. I couldn't stand it."

I spoke slowly and deliberately, making sure each word came out properly. I understood her hesitation though, even her fright. I thought about her choice of words, when she said I went crazy. That seemed like a fair statement.

"I know you don't want Zig. And I promise I won't get crazy like that again. You know that's not me anyway. This is a one-time thing."

With baited breath, I waited for her to speak. She was mostly looking down, but she would look at me intermittently. Instead of saying anything, she pulled me into a hug. Then she talked, through a smile.

"I'm just glad you're here, Cam. And that you've calmed down."

"Well, I'm glad you're glad that I'm here."

"But," she began again, with a strict tone. "I'm serious. Zig is nothing to worry about. I hope this is the last time I need to tell you. If he ever does happen to bother me, I do give you full permission to smack him up a bit. But only then."

"Sounds good to me," I responded, glowing.

It wasn't long before we made ourselves comfortable, stretched out on the couch watching videos of dogs on her phone. Ultimate cheese, but hey, she did call me Cheesy. I was so happy she didn't break up with me that I would have stared at the wall all night if that's what she wanted. Having her next to me was all that mattered. We spent a couple of hours just watching silly videos. Before it got too late, Katie came in, claiming it was time for me to go.

"C'mon, Katie, can't he just stay the night?" Maya pleaded.

"No way! If Mom finds out, she'll skin us both alive."

"Mom won't find out if someone keeps their mouth shut, will she? And Cam had a bad day, he's happy here."

"Yeah," I piped in. "I don't have a real home here anyway."

Katie caved in. As soon as she left, I grabbed a pillow and playfully smashed it into Maya's face. She hit me back, and then we were play fighting. When she grabbed for a stuffed animal on the end table.

"I'll get Hoot after you if you keep winning!"

"Hoot?" I said, chuckling. "Really?"

"Don't make fun of me. I always slept with him at night. The first time I went off to camp, I was only eight years old and I was terrified of leaving my parents. They bought him for me, and told me that if I had him, I would never be alone."

"Can I see him?"

"Get your own stuffed animal."

"Can't it just be you? You're owl-like." I hit her again with a pillow.

"Hey that was a cheap shot!"

"It wasn't me, man! It was Hoot."

We had wrestled ourselves out before too long. School was going to come bright and early, so we created a little bed on the couch. I went to sleep that night perfectly happy, with Maya tucked into my arm. I know she was happy too.

* * *

**A/N: This chapter covers a lot of ground but I'm trying to get to the original parts, where the story really takes off! I appreciate everyone who keeps coming back and checking for this! Also, I didn't get a chance to watch BSS1, so some of the dialogue and actual events are more from my memory, and I filled in some blanks I may have had. This story is just taking off so please keep reading! And if you want, please leave a review. They will be extremely appreciated!**


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